Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Little Fish In The Sea

As a person you never feel real, raw and deep emotion until you have a child.
The phrase "Having a child, is like letting your heart walk outside of your body" is absolutely spot on.

You think you might love your boyfriend, spouse, partner, family or pet but until you hold your child, your flesh and blood in your arms you haven't felt true love.
As I was growing up I always said I would never have children, they were too much work and too whiny.
Until one day I had a change of heart and that's all I could think about. I wanted a baby. A girl to be exact. I had never even looked at boy names. I just knew if I had one it would be a girl. Someone to share the same bond my mother and I had. A friend, a daughter and someone to love me as much as I loved them. And then Madison was born.

April 30, 2009 I held her in my arms and felt an abundance of joy.
She was and is my world. I would take a bullet for her. I will try until my dying day to make her life the best it can be.

Today marks the first day that I feel her growing up in the blink of an eye. Yesterday she ended her time with her daycare provider and is now moving onto preschool.

A tiny little girl in a big world. I think I'm more scared than she is. I've cried myself to sleep for the last week and as I write this my laptop is blanketed with tears.
4 years I ago I sat smiling at this precious and tiny bundle of love and here I begin today knowing that my little ladybug will be off learning new things, dealing with new challenges and making new friends.

I am so proud of the little girl she has become. As bittersweet as all of this has become I can't help but feel the roller coaster of emotion that today sparks inside of me.
I will sit at my cubicle for eight hours in a daze. Worrying if she is doing ok, is she eating right, is she getting along with the other kids and will she miss me as much as I miss her?

I am grateful in the aspect that she is super excited to leave the house and that she has been counting the days down until school began. She is courageous, strong and intelligent. I see a bright future ahead and I am ever ever so thankful to have her in my life.

As a parent all I ever hope and dream for is for her to smile, be happy and live life to the fullest.
I hope this chapter marks another great experience for her.
It's all a teaching lesson, I just wish my little heart could handle it. My eyes are swollen and my knees are weak. I wish I was as strong as she is.

I'll take her little hand, walk her into school, squeeze her tight, plant a kiss on her forehead and pray hard that everything goes well. Not just for today but every other day from here on out.

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